confessions of a formula mom

This post was originally written on my personal blog in May 2014.  I had to give up nursing for medical reasons relating to the baby.  I want to share my feelings to hopefully help other moms in similar situations feel more accepted and less alone.

I loved this article.  It made me think.

It absolutely killed me to have to give up breastfeeding after only 4 weeks.  I had plenty of milk and I had a lot of determination.  I'd almost lost breastfeeding when he was in the NICU, so I really cherished being able to nurse him.  Before we permanently stopped, I pumped for almost a week to keep up my milk, just in case TJ could nurse again.  I worked for it.


Giving it up made me feel like a failure, even though it was nothing I had done wrong.  In fact, stopping may have saved TJ's life.  But we live in a weird climate where there is a huge backlash against formula feeding. The media all says, "breast is best, and if you love your child you'll breast feed."  I'm afraid people will think I'm a bad mom when they see me using a bottle.  When I hear people giving the breastfeeding propaganda, I feel guilty because I don't breastfeed anymore.

I see other mom's slip out to nurse and feel jealous.  I miss having those moments with my son.  As stupid as it sounds, it makes me sad that he doesn't need me now.  Anyone could give him a bottle.  I miss the way he watched me while he ate, the way he snuggled up to me when he was finished. Bottle feeding just isn't the same.

As if the emotional pain of giving up nursing wasn't enough, the physical agony was awful.  I don't know if my pain was necessarily worse than women who slowly wean, then stop nursing.  But going from feeding about four ounces every three hours to not feeding at all was sure not fun. 

On top of all of it, we were putting TJ on nasty, smelly, hypoallergenic formula that he did not like.  He cried and cried and missed meals...  It just shredded my heart, because I had what he wanted and I couldn't give it to him.  It's not so bad now that he's used to the formula.

I just have to remember the good things.  I don't have to get up with him every night.  Tyler and I trade off his midnight feeding, so every other night I get a full nights rest.  That wouldn't be possible if I was nursing him.  I don't have to cover up to feed him, or go somewhere private.  I just pull out a bottle and get to it. 

I wish I was still nursing him, but I'm not.  We were told we couldn't return to nursing until he had a diagnosis. It's been 6 weeks now.  Sometimes I wonder if I should have kept pumping, if I'm a bad mom for not being dedicated enough.  Ultimately, I think it was the right decision.  There were just too many things out of our control.


I'm a formula mom, and that is okay. 
-Mrs. Smith